Hank & Jeremy Settle a Bet

Take us to the moon. So, my buddy and I had a bet here.

Yeah.

I says to him, I says, not this time, hombre. We're going to settle this like they did in the old testament.

On the moon.

Hey that's not what you said at first.

Wha?

Yeah. I asked how they settled it in the old testament and you said:

I lost mine freshman year of college. So I'm working off memory.

Fine fine. Yer working off memory. So what do you remember. And then he says:

Uh...we gotta find some stones, but since you challenged, I get to pick first.

Right, something about casting the first stone.

Nah nah, that's some other testament. That's like, the double-testament.

Don't cross my wires here, I'm trying to tell the man how it happened. Right. So he got to pick the first stone.

Damn straight. So we take turns picking stones and load them into—

All to settle this bet, mind you.

Yeah. Into to the shopping cart. Then we gotta push it all the way from the parking lot to the elevator in our building so we can get it to the roof.

Like in the old testament, mind you.

Yeah, Jacob's Elevator.

They would stone you to death if someone fell off your roof and it was your fault.

Exactly, so if we integrate backwards in time, we can determine who is at fault before an event happens by throwing a shopping cart of rocks off of a roof. It's all right there in Deut22:8.

And then we—finally—get to the roof. This shlmiel picked the heaviest rocks imaginable. What am I, a scrapper?

Look, I wasn't trying to give us a hard time, I just figured the rocks with the highest mass would give us the greatest period to integrate over.

Us? Listen to this numbskull. There wasn't an 'us' hauling the rocks. There was a 'me'.

The elevator wouldn't fit the both of us.

So, what, you couldn't take a rock up the stairs or something?

The doctor says I can't be carrying heavy loads—

The doctor, the doctor!

Or else my BCS will flare up again.

Yeah. Yer Birth Control Syndrome (it stands for condom addiction).

That's not what it stands for.

The rocks!

The rocks.
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I finally get to the roof with the heaviest rocks on the planet loaded into this shopping cart that for the world looks like its gonna bust a caster. And then this maroon says to push the rocks—

I said push the rocks just as soon as I got the reverse integrator set up.

Yeah yeah. Well, I coulda stopped them rocks, but see we picked out the king of shopping carts for this.
It rolled away too fast is what I'm saying.

We got no science out of this. Smashed the hell out of Larry's Volvo.

You do not want to be around Larry when he gets so much as a scratch on that thing. We had to get out of there.

Like, off the planet.

That's our Larry. And that's us. And this time, with uh, the one-sixteenth gravity and all, the rocks won't be so heavy.

Doc says it's okay for me to lift up to ten moon-pounds.

Right. They got a high roof up there, on the Moon, right? Like, uh, at the parking garage? Isn't there a parking garage for the beach of tranquility?

Nah, I was thinking we were gonna use the...Alice' sister has a condo up here, we can push it off of that roof.

Alice? God Almighty, I should have stayed home. She's worse than Larry on a good day.

It's her sister, she'll want to help us with the rocks.

Oh, her sister? Hey, she'd know all about rocks. She's a regular paleontologist.

That's dinosaurus science you grog tosser.

Hey that was once. Anyway they both dig up rocks. And that is the central point to this.

So we get the moon rocks to Alice's sister's roof, we set up the equipment, and then we start tossing the rocks.

It was Amelia.

What?

Alice's sister's name. Amelia. I wanna say it was something like Amelia.

That doesn't sound right.

Oh come on, you met her all of, what, one time. At Sal's.

I'm just telling you it doesn't sound right.

Okay, Mr. Sciencetology, educate us as to the proper name of Alice's sister, what is not named Amelia.

She was uh—look you know that night was a little fast-and-loose and I ended up going home with Missy anyhow.

Wait, it was that night that you met Missy?

I didn't meet her. But I, uh, you know. I got to know her better.

I still say it's Amelia.

Alice's sister.

Fine, Alice's sister. But finally we are going to have the resolution to our orignal bet.

Quandry.

Bet. What's the prize, you ask? The fare. Whatever it costs.

How much does a Moon Taxi charge?

Wha! Don't ask me, it's in the driver's hands now. He has total control of your fate.

We'll see about that when we start pushing rocks.

Why do I suspect that just like there was no 'us,' there isn't gonna be a 'we' this time?

Like I said. We will see when we start pushing rocks. Just like you pushed that pot of pesto-marinara sauce onto my shirt.

And now we finally get to the point. I didn't spill any sauce on any shirts. You are famously sloppy eater.

That's what yer sister says.

Oh ho ho, nevermind. I think got another score to settle what don't involve any red sauce.