Vorp

Take me to the moon.
 
No, not Jupiter the moon!
 
Why would I want to go to that barren hunk of rock [upward inflection]? Where else could I find such solitude? Where else could I have the opportunity to rely on myself? The moon has all of the resources I need.Where do your passengers usually go?
 
Saturn? I would never go to Saturn, it's way too crowded. Even Earth was too much for me. I just want to get back to my roots, I want to fend for myself, or at least see if it's possible.
 
Do I have a girl you ask? No, not anymore. There was one once, but she's long gone now.
Her name was Melinda, she was the most wonderful woman, but one day, when we were taking a vacation to Andromeda, right as we were about to jump through hyperspace, she was sucked up by a pernicious wormhole. The loss was immeasurable, the world has never seen such a beautiful soul as Melinda, and in just one moment, she was gone . . . gone! Sucked away by the malevolent forces of nature! What sadistic god could allow such misfortune?
 
No, no, you’re absolutely right, I can’t sit here and mope all day; one has to soldier on when one is struck by tragedy.
 
How did we meet, Melinda and I? It's actually a lovely story. When I was just a teenager, my father sent me on a trip to see the Theatetus crater, the very place I plan to go right now. It was my first trip alone, and I was to stay on the moon for a month.
Fate had it that Melinda was visiting at the same time. I grew quite homesick, and though I was afraid to approach her at first- for she seemed so far superior to me- I came to befriend her so that I could manage my longing. We grew close during that month and promised to visit each other often. I went to Mercury to see her thrice a year, and she came to see me on Earth just as often. She came to love earth so much that she moved there to stay with me. That's how I met Melinda.
 
Yes it is such a shame that she's gone now, but it has taught me that I need to learn to rely on myself for happiness or else I will be ever wrought with sorrow. And so I am going back to the moon, to where I met dear Melinda, to learn to live alone.
 
Bored? How could I be bored, surrounded by all of that wonder? The moon is a place that inspires fascination! And of course, I should often be preoccupied with fending for myself. I do have to take Sasquatch into account. How silly the ancient earthlings were to think that Sasquatch lived on earth, it’s so obvious that he’s a lunar creature.
 
How will I do it? The moon has everything I need to survive. I shall use moon rocks to construct a shelter. I can get all of my water from Mare Imbruim, the sea of rains, and all of my nourishment from Mare Nectaris, the sea of nectar.
 
Craters you say? Mare Imbrium and Mare Nectaris are just filled up craters on the moon? No, that can’t be right; I took Latin in high school. Mare means sea!
 
The ancient Romans thought the craters were seas on the moon? Wow! You’re a wealth of knowledge. But still, that sort of affects my plans. What will I do? I can’t go back to earth.
 
I wasn’t always so apprehensive of life on earth. I even loved it in my younger years.
 
I lived in New Michigan, a colony on the island that was once called Madagascar, in the city of New Pontiac, which was just as awful as old Pontiac, except all of the crime occurred on the beach. Life in New Michigan was good nonetheless, I enjoyed going to the Erie Bay and exploring the Flint Jungle. I used to go there with Melinda. Oh, Melinda! Everything back on earth reminds me of her. I can’t look at the measliest squirrel without a tearing up. If only she were still--
 
(Vooooooooorp) [Melinda]: If only you could have who back?
 
[Speaker]: Oh Melinda! Is it really you?
 
[Melinda]: Of course it is, I can’t imagine who else I would be.
 
[Speaker]: What happened?! Where have you been?
 
[Melinda]: Well, when I got sucked through that wormhole, I went to an alternate universe. It was wonderful. There was world peace, a cure to cancer and Detroit was a thriving metropolis!
 
[Speaker]: Seriously? Detroit was a thriving metropolis? That’s unbelievable. But how did you get back?
 
[Melinda]: Well, it was all well and good for a while, but I started to miss you. I got on a flight to go to New Michigan, so I could remember all of the great times we had together, and all of a sudden . . . Voorp, I got sucked through another wormhole. And here I am.
 
[Speaker]: I’m so glad to have you back! Here I was going to live on the moon to find what makes me happy, but I know it’s you Melinda. Would you come back with me to Earth?
 
[Melinda]: I’d love to.
 
[Speaker]: Great! Driver, take us back to earth!
 
This is a one way ride? Oh, shit.