Fat No More

Take me to the Moon.
 
… Wow, these taxis are bigger than I thought they’d be…..  heck, I’d even call this spacious.  What’s the maximum capacity of these things, like, 500...600 lbs or so? … I mean, I know this is a taxi, not a cargo truck…. But I’m still assuming there are NASA regulations on these ships….. oh yeah… I see the sign now….Max capacity 17 persons … may not exceed 600 lbs….. well… that’s almost perfect….. 17 people though??!  …What the largest number of people anyone’s ever fit inside one of these moon taxis, anyway?  …Yeah, I remember that commercial…. (laughs) …..What? no way! ...  That was YOU?!?  Driving THIS taxi?!?!   Oh that is too cool…!  17 Chinese acrobats, each folded up into the pretzel configuration, and then stacked up on top of each other….did they really make it all the way to the moon like that, or did they just hold that position for the 5 minutes it took to shoot the commercial…. ?.... They really made it all the way to the moon like that….wow….  hate to quote commercials, but that really IS priceless!
 
On another topic--sorry for all the questions--just scoping some things out…. That.forklift just outside the station’s taxi loading lane…?  Do you guys actually use that?  ... Have you ever used that to get … well…people onto the taxi?   Yeah, like, real live people….  so that IS what you use for handicap access… great. That’s perfect….
 
….What do I need a forklift for?   (chuckles).  Well, it’s not so much for me as for my customers.  I’m starting up a new business venture on the moon… a little different from the normal touristy stuff that’s been springing up all over… no trampolines or anything…well… maybe we’ll get a trampoline…. But the basic premise… is Fat Camp.  That’s crude though.  I really need to work on being more PC about all this…  Makes it sound like some sort of a joke… but this is serious… Really!
 
Ever see that movie, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?  Remember the guy’s mom?  So big    she needed a crane to get out of bed?  It’s a sad state -- don’t get me wrong… I’m not saying we all need to be supermodel slim or anything… I’ve definitely packed on some pounds over the years…. But when you’re 600 lbs -- and there’s thousands of people out there like that… maybe more…(marketing’s still working on those numbers)--  but when you’re 600 lbs, you are SO overweight that… you’re basically a prisoner within your own body… bed-bound, can’t get up to go to the bathroom, can’t even lift your legs, bed sores all over your behind because you can barely even roll over.  It’s gross, it’s sad, I know… Frankly, I’m not even sure how these people survive.  You gotta feel bad for them….I mean, how can you expect them to lose weight if they can’t even get out of bed to exercise it off? 
 
So… put yourself in their shoes… what WOULDN’T you give to be free of all that weight, to be able to walk around, go to the store… heck, think simple pleasures… like take a dump in a toilet instead of a bed pan….wouldn’t you give anything to be a normal person again?  But it’s tough.  How do you ask a 600lb person to just get out of bed and start doing things???  It’s a Herculean task.   Even for Hercules.  I mean, YOU try dragging 600 lbs around with you everywhere you go….  But then I thought… you send a 600lb person to the moon…there, they would only weigh 100lbs.  Now learning to manage 100lbs is definitely feasible…that’s a much more realistic, accessible goal for these people..  It would mean a brand new life!   A 600lb person… could walk around, just like you or I… wouldn’t have to think about all the extra baggage they’re carrying around.  And, with all the walking, activity, getting up and moving around….well, that’s exercise!  It’s exactly what they need to get their lives back in order.  They lose some weight, and then maybe we can even start to condition them to come back to Earth in a functional manner…
 
…But you know, these people can’t just go to the moon on their own… I mean, without any medical help.  They’re too deconditioned.  Even if they only weighed 100lbs when they got to the moon, shoot, their muscles haven’t been working for a while (remember, they’ve been bedbound for years)…. Their hearts are totally out of shape -- haven’t exercised in years--  so they’ll need some pretty extensive cardiovascular monitoring for the first few weeks, maybe even months at least while they’re getting physical therapy.   Not to mention…these people have a ton of other medical problems…. Diabetes, high blood pressure, acid reflux, osteoarthritis, obstructive sleep apnea, depression, anxiety…. And having all that fat around reaks havoc on your liver, too….your liver basically turns into the human equivalent of foie gras… sorry, that was crude …need to work on that….
 
So basically, we’re the equivalent of a medical rehab facility for the morbidly obese… (chuckles)….originally I told the PR people I wanted to call the company “Fat No More!” … it was a joke, ok?, I just wanted to see what they would say…. but they thought I was serious… a few weeks later, I get this 20 page dossier summarizing 3 independent focus groups they held JUST to show that not only was the name “Fat No More” not viable, but it was also offensive to fat and skinny people alike.   That was a good laugh…..    Anyhow, I think the organization’s latest name is something like, “Microgravity Center for Weight Bearing Rehabilitation.”  Sounds pretty good, I guess.   We’ve recruited all sorts of medical personnel… cardiologists, endocrinologists, gastroenterologists, physical therapists, nutritionists, psychiatrists, orthopods, rheumatologists, neurologists…. EMTs, nursing staff, social workers, counselors, you name it….. Recruiting turned out to be pretty easy… turns out, working on the moon for a month at a time is the new in-vogue medical mission destination…
 
Do we have customers yet?  Well, we have one so far….  Who?.... Now come on, you know these things are confidential, why would you even ask that??…. (chuckles)…so what will you give me if I tell you…?  50% off my fare?   Hey…that’s not bad…(chuckles)  (<OFFICIAL  VOICE> Note to any medical personnel who may be listening:  this behavior is acceptable ONLY in fictional situations such as this, and even then, it should STILL make you feel like a bad person deep down inside for condoning this sort of behavior in which patient confidentiality is jeopardized…even for menial bribes).  Oh, what the hell, I love bribes.  The first customer? My mom!